i threw away a picture of us.

and cut up a bracelt i made you that said, “Caitlin loves Ryan”

I threw away the brown box my tiffanys package came in.

Tomorrow I am going to do a clean out of my phone.

Deleting every single picture.

putting them in a file on my computer and then deleting them.

I deleted “our” songs. 

I went and saw Matt and Kim and it didn’t occur to me until ten minutes before they went on that you enjoy them.

But I made it through, smiling.

I hid the bears from my sight. 

Not before I held onto him and took one last smell of you.

I have been fine until now. and just typing this hurts me. 

it pains my heart.

i’m not in love with you, but I will always love you.

I will always want to be with you.  

There is no more denying it. If you turned around today and said I made a mistake, I would have to really try to stop myself to saying I want you.

I have to stop myself from texting you every night around this time.

I’m not sad.

I’m not lonely.

But I get the moments that break me. 

I get the moments where I feel like I am back to thaat girl I was.

The girl who was fighting to stay alive, the girl who wanted to end it all.

I’m not that girl.

But I get moments where I am.