i threw away a picture of us.

and cut up a bracelt i made you that said, “Caitlin loves Ryan”

I threw away the brown box my tiffanys package came in.

Tomorrow I am going to do a clean out of my phone.

Deleting every single picture.

putting them in a file on my computer and then deleting them.

I deleted “our” songs. 

I went and saw Matt and Kim and it didn’t occur to me until ten minutes before they went on that you enjoy them.

But I made it through, smiling.

I hid the bears from my sight. 

Not before I held onto him and took one last smell of you.

I have been fine until now. and just typing this hurts me. 

it pains my heart.

i’m not in love with you, but I will always love you.

I will always want to be with you.  

There is no more denying it. If you turned around today and said I made a mistake, I would have to really try to stop myself to saying I want you.

I have to stop myself from texting you every night around this time.

I’m not sad.

I’m not lonely.

But I get the moments that break me. 

I get the moments where I feel like I am back to thaat girl I was.

The girl who was fighting to stay alive, the girl who wanted to end it all.

I’m not that girl.

But I get moments where I am.

Dear Ryan-

I cannot believe you…

-C

Dear Ryan-

Today is worst than most, and I’m not too sure why. I miss you. I miss us. I miss you happy. I am so just…I hurt. I hurt more than I ever hurt before. You cause me more happiness, but you cause me more pain than anything. I can’t find the words tonight. I can’t, I just hurt. I hurt. I’m hurt. I hurt. I’m hurt. I cannot say it enough. Everything reminds me of you. You spent only two nights in this bed, but it still kills me. that was almost a year ago come March. I need you here then. I really do Ry. 

-C

Dear Ryan-

Laying on my bed doing homework, watching horrible movies. I miss you more than words could possibly say. I miss hearing your heart-beat as I lay my head upon your chest. I miss the life I could hear and feel. Because right now, I feel far from life. I need you so much closer. But for now, this will have to do. 

-C

Dear Ryan-

You hurt me to the point of no return. I want to hate you, but I can’t. I’m sorry.

-C

Dear Ryan-

As night time comes, as it does every night, I miss you more and more. I miss everything about you. To the point it hurts emotionally and physically. To feel your warm embrace, or slow dance in our underwear to the dead silence, or even if it be just lay on your bed. To be with you, brings greater joy to my heart than I could ever imagine. Our past memories help me sleep at night, yet keep me up. I play the first day with you, over and over again. The first time you reached for my hand, at the time I gave you my hand but as I sit here now, I gave you so much more than a simple hand, I gave you my soul. The first time we kissed, I didn’t just press my lips against yours ever so softly, but I gave you half of me. Half of everything of me. My heart, my hopes, my dreams, and my future. As I sit here now, all I can do is cry knowing that my other half, hurts and is so far away. I’m sorry I’m not the best. I’m sorry I am pessimistic at times, that sometimes I start stupid fights, that sometimes I take you for granted. I’m sorry for all I do. But one thing I will never be sorry for, is loving you. Because until our dying day, my heart will belong to you, and solely you. 

-C